Two moments

 Tonight I will be mentioning two different things. One of frustration and one of gratitude. I think I will start with the frustration; It all began with me accidentally waking Cole up last night. My intention was to quietly watch a movie while he slept on the couch. Uh, this didn't happen. I couldn't hear over the space heater and had the volume up. Then I left for a few minutes and he shifted his position on the couch which meant I bumped him. That with the volume made for a super angry Cole.   At this moment I lost all skill at being a mom full of loving kindness and became very reactive.
What I am admitting here is, uh I am human. I had absolutely no grasp on my arsenal of love. In fact I think I even forgot how to breathe. I became filled with rage at all of his "blame" in my direction and his "name calling" I told him repeatedly to go ........ well you know, nothing nice or very mom like. I was very upset that I had allowed myself to be sucked into all the "rage/anger vomit" that was flowing between Cole and I.
  As luck would have it (or yelling) my oldest son, Skyler came upstairs. I was able to ask him to deal with Cole. How grateful I was for his calm presence. I was given the opportunity to walk away and leave Cole with someone who could offer him some loving kindness. I was able to relocate my arsenal of love before all of the guilt and shame of my rather crappy behavior kicked in. I was able to look at the situation and recognize that I still have "buttons" to push. That I am constantly in a place of growth and improvement on my human experience.
  Now for the gratitude piece. Tonight I watched "The Pursuit of Happyness". I have seen it before, years ago and remember much of it. I could recall his struggle with his relationship to his wife,money and life in general. Then the part came where he and his son were sleeping in the bathroom of the subway. Man I was hit with a truck load of GRATITUDE.
  In my life I have had bad relationships, money troubles and displacement from my home. In all of these times I have had friends and family offer a couch, a couple dollars or a hug. I watched as my heart swelled with love for my boy"s and all those who have made sure that we are cared for. I am truly blessed and grateful in this moment. Love to all, christi